Been pretty bad updating recently, after the virus which lasted about ten days I made back to class the following week. That week was two sessions followed by 3 the week after and a home WOD so essentially 4. This week I will probably go to 3 sessions plus an at home. Things have gotten a little crazy recently,my dad has been very ill. The entirety of Wednesday night last week was spent with him in hospital, followed by the next day at casualty with my son who dropped a weight on his hand! I have more one to one yoga students and am back at uni next week! This is when it gets tricky fitting in my crossfit. Wish me luck.
A in real life friend who also reads this blog *Waves* asked if I shouldn’t just post the upbeat crossfit stuff.
I totally understand where she’s coming from. We like to read stories where someone makes a commitment or sets a goal and gradually gets closer and closer till they nail it.
Which sometimes happens, but not always. More often then not I would guess it’s not that simple. The trip from where we are to where we want to be isn’t always linear. There are bumps in the road, detours even dead ends. The key to success isn’t a smooth road it’s being able to find a new route when needed.
So I’m recording this experience as honestly as I can. During this year there will be struggles but I will do my best to surmount them.
Forgive the down posts, they aren’t the story just bumps in the road.
Is called Arwen (yes we adopted her during the time the LOTR series of films were being released).
She is a fiercely independent girl who spent most of her younger years outside hunting. She’s also my cat. Her choice, the other humans may live here but they aren’t her people. They literally aren’t allowed to do anything for her, to the point where a few years back I went away for work for a fortnight and she left home. Yup just left and lived outside. My husband and kids thought something awful had happened. She came home the evening I did as if nothing happened. She did it a few times after that when I was away, but less and less as she aged.
Then we got dog. Not impressed. She vanished for a week, came back saw he was still here and vanished again. That was a few weeks ago now, she and I came to the understanding she would live at home so long as she could have my bedroom. WITH NO DOG. She’s likes this arrangement to the point where this morning she stood at my feet downstairs meowing until I took her upstairs and let her in. You can see above how happy she was.
Yes my cats have me well trained.
Yes still poorly no CrossFit.
My immune system is not quite right, the doctors never really found out what is wrong or if it actually has a name. But they agree it’s not quite right. Across my life I’ve had spontaneous anaphylaxis which was never traced to a source, multiple bouts of hives, my rheumatoid factor is very high but markers for thungs like lupus aren’t there.
Then there is the recovering from illness problem. See the problem with my immune system doesn’t seem to be under activity. Quite the opposite. So a cold like this last one makes me very ill, very ludicrously ill. Mostly it’s my own immune system that makes me ill and not the actual cold. If you imagine an army seeing a lone invader on a stretch of its farm land and sending the entire army including missiles leaving utter desolation in their wake. Then looking really proud they killed the invader. That’s my immune system that is. So the infection is most likely gone but I’m now in a state of systemic pain, every joint hurts. Really hurts. Nothing I can do but wait for the inflammation to go.
I’m definitely a little depressed, it’s not a huge suprise after this past year. Seeing my daughter go through cancer and the necessary treatment was heartbreaking. I’ve been successfully keeping it at bay with crossfit and staying busy generally. This is not the first time I’ve been depressed and I discovered years ago that for me the key was to stay busy and carry on as normal, even if it was just going through the motions. Eventually life began to feel normal again. It’s also the distraction being busy provides. I’m best when not thinking deeply. Of course this cold has meant I’m not busy other than things I have to do. I’m not well enough to workout so no endorphins. I’m not distracted and I am thinking. About everything, from the risks posed to my boys if my daughters cancer was genetic. If she has any risk of further cancers. Life just hurts right now and at times I feel very alone.
My dad has enormous faith, that kind of totally unshakeable faith. Which I’m sure is actually pretty amazing. In fact there has been many a time when I wished I had the total knowledge that the big G had my my back. But I don’t. I simply don’t believe. It doesn’t make sense to me, all the suffering,wars hatred. The total absence of any big G signs. The killings in the name of, and I mean recent and historic, there isn’t a religion on earth who can claim there was no killing in the name of their particular flavour.
Anyhoo I try to avoid conversations on religion with my dad but today I had a bit of a bee in bonnet. My daughter had cancer this year, she is pretty much recovered but it makes zero sense to me and I’m damaged by the experience obviously so is she. Total existential crisis. Cancer in children makes no sense. My dad’s view is God cured her, I asked why he gave it to her in the first place. Of course the answer is he didn’t. It happened and he doesn’t intervene…um hang on. So if a bad thing happens it just happens, problem of evil, God doesn’t intervene. BUT if a good thing happens it’s God answering prayers. But only some people’s prayers, some children die. Their parents didn’t pray hard enough or something.
I mean come on guys be consistent either God intervenes or doesn’t. It can’t be well in that case clearly God as all is well, in that other case Oh well shit happens.
The same goes with signs from G, he doesn’t give them. Except when he does. But that’s different somehow.
Oh and all of this is a test of faith, to see if we are worthy. Which would if it were true be totally fair for the millennials to face the same “test” as those in say the 15th century. You know when the answer to everything was “God did it” because we basically understood nothing and science was unable to provide any explanation.
Don’t think that I don’t respect your right to have faith though. But understand I don’t have it. It simply makes no sense to me as a person. Telling me I should believe in something because you do is like saying my eyes should be brown because yours are. They aren’t and will never be.
Ok rant over.