A in real life friend who also reads this blog *Waves* asked if I shouldn’t just post the upbeat crossfit stuff.
I totally understand where she’s coming from. We like to read stories where someone makes a commitment or sets a goal and gradually gets closer and closer till they nail it.
Which sometimes happens, but not always. More often then not I would guess it’s not that simple. The trip from where we are to where we want to be isn’t always linear. There are bumps in the road, detours even dead ends. The key to success isn’t a smooth road it’s being able to find a new route when needed.
So I’m recording this experience as honestly as I can. During this year there will be struggles but I will do my best to surmount them.
Forgive the down posts, they aren’t the story just bumps in the road.
I’m definitely a little depressed, it’s not a huge suprise after this past year. Seeing my daughter go through cancer and the necessary treatment was heartbreaking. I’ve been successfully keeping it at bay with crossfit and staying busy generally. This is not the first time I’ve been depressed and I discovered years ago that for me the key was to stay busy and carry on as normal, even if it was just going through the motions. Eventually life began to feel normal again. It’s also the distraction being busy provides. I’m best when not thinking deeply. Of course this cold has meant I’m not busy other than things I have to do. I’m not well enough to workout so no endorphins. I’m not distracted and I am thinking. About everything, from the risks posed to my boys if my daughters cancer was genetic. If she has any risk of further cancers. Life just hurts right now and at times I feel very alone.
It’s strange I hadn’t really noticed the absence of looking forward to the day to day joys. During the whole time my daughter was ill I carried on as usual. Of course I did, what else do we do? I had to make sure she was ok first and foremost. But a great deal of the time I was simply going through the motions. Not really feeling anything other the weight of what my beautiful little girl was facing.
I became quite obsessed with the book Wild during that time. Cheryl of course in that story undertook a physical journey to find herself after trauma. But in essence what she did was what I spent a year doing. Putting one foot in front of the other, her pack was again physical mine was the weight of looking after my family emotionally , of the constant bad news. Like her there were times I nearly collapsed under the weight. Days on the children’s cancer ward were particularly bad. Some were still in nappies and my heart broke for them and their families as well as my daughter. I read the book twice and watched the film a couple of times too. It reminded me to keep going. To keep putting one foot in front of the other.
There were many times we laughed as a family, we took trips and watched films. All the normal family things. Occasionally I even lost myself in the moment. Most the time though there was a feeling of how can I enjoy anything with what’s she has to go through. It all seemed so very banal, trivial against the gravity of the situation.
I certainly didn’t look forward to anything, I just did. Then today I realised I was looking forward to watching a film tonight, I was looking forward to going to crossfit tomorrow. I was looking forward, I felt like there was a future.
Today was a PT session which worked on squatting form. Not a natural at this as I have femoral antiversion, or an inward rotation of the thigh bone, or in layman’s terms a touch of knocked knees. For some people they have knocked knees due to weak muscles, for me it’s actual bone structure. Oh I also have weak muscles, pretty much everywhere!
Anyway we started with air squats, followed by air squats onto a ball. Then I stood with my feet close to a wall and hands reached up to ensure a good chest lift. For the last portion of the hour it was squats with an actual barbell. I really enjoy the chance to work on getting my form correct, I would happily spend hours working on one thing if it means I get it right. That way I can be certain I will be able to build up and progress in this sport injury free.
In other non crossfit news I’m planning a trip to Portland to visit some friends in the new year. I couldn’t be more excited. It will be awesome, it will also be mentally really good for me to have a break from being a mother after this very difficult year. Particularly as with my husband working away the practicalities of looking after my daughter fell to me. Which is of course not a problem, I love that girl and all my kids more than I could ever express in words. But it’s been exhausting especially mentally and my mind has suffered.
It’s interesting how we can change quickly. Although I know I have a lot to do to regain my health after a major immune dysfunction in 2015 that left be bedridden for 6 months then my daughter becoming seriously ill with cancer. So I’m a bit broken physically, fairly knackered, a fixer upper even.
But in other ways I’m fucking steel. I was rejected by a friend today, quite an obvious brush off. My instant thought was “seriously dude, after the year I’ve had do you think that’s going to get me” and it didn’t. I went home and laughed about it. When we’ve been to dark places trivia becomes just that, a whole load of pointless shite.