It’s strange I hadn’t really noticed the absence of looking forward to the day to day joys. During the whole time my daughter was ill I carried on as usual. Of course I did, what else do we do? I had to make sure she was ok first and foremost. But a great deal of the time I was simply going through the motions. Not really feeling anything other the weight of what my beautiful little girl was facing.
I became quite obsessed with the book Wild during that time. Cheryl of course in that story undertook a physical journey to find herself after trauma. But in essence what she did was what I spent a year doing. Putting one foot in front of the other, her pack was again physical mine was the weight of looking after my family emotionally , of the constant bad news. Like her there were times I nearly collapsed under the weight. Days on the children’s cancer ward were particularly bad. Some were still in nappies and my heart broke for them and their families as well as my daughter. I read the book twice and watched the film a couple of times too. It reminded me to keep going. To keep putting one foot in front of the other.
There were many times we laughed as a family, we took trips and watched films. All the normal family things. Occasionally I even lost myself in the moment. Most the time though there was a feeling of how can I enjoy anything with what’s she has to go through. It all seemed so very banal, trivial against the gravity of the situation.
I certainly didn’t look forward to anything, I just did. Then today I realised I was looking forward to watching a film tonight, I was looking forward to going to crossfit tomorrow. I was looking forward, I felt like there was a future.